Underpinning contract! You sneaky foundation-fixer, we’ll dive right into your world, without sounding robotic or like Shakespeare. Melbourne’s terrain is just as unreliable as the mood swings of my grandmother during bingo. Sandy soils on the beaches make one think of margaritas or sunsets. But the clayy ground inland is more moody and angry than an angry teenager.

What is the point of underwear? Imagine that you gain a few pounds, and then your favorite jeans begin to feel uncomfortable. When the earth beneath a building is not performing its duty, it can make the buildings feel like torture devices. Mother Nature can be to blame, but sometimes we’ve been ambitious in our building plans and have added to the bottom without taking into consideration the top.

What’s the fix? Old-school method is to give your house boots that dig deeper into the earth where it will be more stable. It’s almost like Botox but with no frozen faces. This technique injects special goo into the area to stabilize and fix it without turning your yard into something out of an archaeological dig.

Please wait. It’s not enough to hire Tom, Dick or Harry who has a drill. You need someone with experience for this task, as a mistake could result in your house being played Jenga. And nobody wants to watch the final blocks be removed. Oh, and don’t start me on the rules. The rules are stricter here than they were in my mother’s home – but the consequences of breaking them may be similar (though there might not be as many wooden spoons).

The decision of who is going to be your superhero when it comes to the foundation for your house can make or break you. Imagine selecting someone for their lovely smile and then finding out that the person thinks ‘underpinnings” involve clothespins. Spoiler alert! It does not end well.

Don’t forget those legends living inside the buildings. Some of them may not understand what it means to be underpinned, but are sure happy not to sink into earth as they watch Netflix. They can rest easy knowing that their homes won’t be exploring the Earth’s core.

The innovation has not been pushed to the side. It is now riding along with sustainability. It’s about using greener techniques to fix our homes without causing Mother Nature harm.

Melbourne will be moving forward (without sounding like a fortune-teller), but its buildings are also going places – and that’s if we keep up the underpinning maintenance. The climate is the big mole, and new challenges are sure to appear. But necessity will also lead to solutions.

In conclusion, before I run of metaphors, underpinning Melbourne involves less dealing with moody sods and more keeping our city jungle stable, safe and, above all, standing tall, for whatever is next. Let’s toast to solid foundations, and better future prospects. Enjoy your time in Melbourne. Take a look at the streets and see what is beneath.